This is a guest post by Audrey Singer.
I was asked to write about how to navigate the holidays (or just significant days) when you’ve lost someone. Truthfully, I have no idea how to do this, or what to say exactly. I’m not sure if anyone does. It’s just hard. However, if there was one thing I could give to someone who is trying to make sense of a loss, it would be permission. I would offer permission to be exactly where you are in the process. Is it a process? I’m still not sure. I lost three very significant people to me in 2024, and I’m still wandering around in the rubble of that, and trying to make sense of it. I guess I’m in a process, somewhere.
I think one reason it is so hard to give anyone a map of this territory is because grief is singular. I think it is as unique as the person that we lost. It is as unique as the relationship we lost. So the way we experience that grief will be unique too. Of course there are similarities, and plenty of books and resources with maps that guide the way. But, I am apparently the type of person who doesn’t like maps, and I’m not quite ready to ask for directions. Which, I think is 100% ok. There is no right way to do this. No right way to grieve or to feel.
Maybe, as a significant day approaches, you want to honor and celebrate the person you lost. Maybe you want to do this by yourself, or maybe with others. Maybe you are not ready to share. Maybe you are still numb. Maybe the whole experience is so bewildering and sad that you can’t find your footing. That’s ok. Again, there is no right way to do this. There is no place to be with this experience except exactly where you are. No way to feel, except exactly how you do.
So if I could offer anything, I would offer permission, and a gigantic dollop of self-compassion. I would ask if there was anything you would like to do to honor the person you lost, or any way you would like to honor yourself. It is so easy to judge ourselves, and think grief should look or be a certain way. I don’t think it is a certain way. It is different for each of us. I think it’s important to honor where we are at, have compassion for ourselves, and seek the support and resources that we need. Perhaps that is a grief support group, or creating and participating in a grief ritual, or reading books about loss and grief. It is yours, and it looks how it looks.
We will all hit these significant days. Difficult days where the loss is more acute. Maybe it is a holiday, or a birthday, or maybe just a Tuesday afternoon where the loss is closer to the surface. These are the days to be the most gentle with ourselves, to deeply honor and feel our feelings, to honor our loved one, and to trust our inner guidance about what we need. I do not know how any of us will meet these days, or how these days will meet us. My wish, for anyone going through this process, is the space, compassion, healing and grace we all need to navigate this uncharted territory.